wafting into darkness

so i'm feeling a bit like a feather how it wafts left to right as it lowers down.
only the left and right are feeling well, and feeling depressive.

this day is mindfully confusing.
i have big concerns about a dear friend. but am afraid to approach her about it. i want to help but maybe i will make things worse for her by talking about it.
its lowering me. or maybe its the weather.
i'm needing sunlight and there dont seem to be enough of those days as of late.
i need to sit out in the sun and feel the warmth on my head.

ok, so now i'm feeling a bit like a hypochondriac, but i'm worried that i'm going to get sometype of cancer. im reaching close to 40 and my bodies wareing down. eyesight is worsening, (although that could just be one of the meds im on (lovely gabapentin). my hearing is missing some frequencies. and my mood is wafting.
thought i was starting to kick in with AD, but then i notice a slight downward drift of mood.

part of me wants to get low enough that i can just add on another AD to the mix, cuz i'm afraid that where i'm at now, if i add another AD that it would boost me too high. but i'm afraid if i DO go lower than that extra AD regardless of what it is wont be enough...
ug.

feeling flight alone

ok, so ending therapy is hitting me today.
had a flashback this morning and i cant seem to shake it. on one side is my pdoc telling me 'you need to just push through them, you cant let them overtake you'. on the other is my T that says i need to talk through them.
so here i am. dont see T for two more weeks. as i'm in the process of ending therapy and only seeing her once a month.  i'm also feeling a little weird today. like i'm not quite...'here'.  this non-reality type feeling.
could it be my adderall?  i took it around 8. and i didnt really notice much difference today.