Hating intelligence

So i'm in quite a vulnerable mood right now. it revolves around my intelligence. i have always lived mostly in my head because my words never related to the people i was around. it seems that after therapy and recognizing that i am in fact very smart/intellectual. that since therapy i am trying to 'own it'. and am REALLY struggling. my surroundings are not that of an intellectual environment. except my work. but today i was curious about a concept and was shut down at every path to understand it more. some didnt know the answer. others i believe were upset that they didnt or couldnt explain it to me. and others i think were upset that 'someone like me' thought of it first. so i was again and again 'put in my place' as a keyboard monkey and nothing else.

it has triggered me to a severe state.
i am now thinking overall in my life why i HATE being smart.
i have to explain everything, when i talk. including the words that i use.
i dont use different words in my speech to sound smart, it just FITS better than other words. and then i worry that i hurt others feelings if i do talk in more specific speech. using unfamiliar words.
i HATE having to dumb things down. but ive learned over the years how to do it. unfortunately i even fumble with that, but to my advantage cuz then i sound even more stupid!
-having concepts that i cant share with anyone (who would understand)
-having ideas that i cant carry out because i am limited at work to my 'position'.
the only thing i have found that really helps me is alcohol. and now im having thoughts of using drugs (illegal or legal) to dull my thoughts, stop my curiosity, and dumb down my speech.

I hate not being able to relate to the ones i love.
i hate being so isolated.
i HATE how people that i sometimes dumb down for look at me when they hear me talk normally (for me).

thanks to therapy (sarcasm) my intelligence has crawled to the outside.

i MISS my hidden sagacity....

Feeling the Butterfly

So i did it. i took too much medication. Not a lot. Not to harm me. But to feel the ease of simplicity. The numbness that it brings makes me feel like i'm flying.
I feel the flutter of butterfly wings on my cheeks. The breeze of cool air dusting my smile. Head back and look at the clouds, look at them like a child.
Everything is soft now. The words slow down. My mind slows and it no longer tries to erupt with information every second of every day. Of now.
i have four hours to enjoy the peace in my head.

Drugs

i feel like overdosing today. Not enough for death mind you.  crazy thing is i dont know why. i have these urges to overtake my prescribed medication. and it is not driven by the meds themselves.
i want to skate on the boundries between here and shadowland (what i believe is just before death). do you call it stoned if you dont mind side effects from your rx'd meds? is it bad to welcome that drape of numbness i feel from my meds?

sometimes i am amazed at the depth of torture we as people endure, not from others but from ourselves.
the 'trickery' of things we tell ourselves. Of what we wrongly assume to know. That only by age and experience do we finally learn we are wrong. we are all wrong. we were all wrong.
in youth we have strength and courage, in age we have weakness and wisdom.

what if we are tired of knowing how wrong we all are, and medications help us to dumb down. to see things once again as simple. black and white instead of the vast greyness things truly are...