not such bad effects

so i'm finally back on regimine with meds.
  but feeling pretty lucky, only on 4 this time....so far.
 the side effects have been minimal, some vision stuff and of course tired as hell.

i was getting pretty freaked out before i got back on meds. the SI came back pretty quickly, only had a few visuals, and a couple auditory illusions.
And at least i got to try a new AP.    in many ways its WAY better than the other, but...in one way its not. there is still very obvious breakthrough depression that is getting very hard to pretend is not there.
pdoc has already upped med once, does he up again? or augment with AD? or ....switch...ugh.
i just cant handle the med merry-go-round this time. its just so exhausting.
sometimes i really wish i had it in me to just finish what i couln't 5 years ago.

its funny when people tell you how many things that are amazing that you have to live for...what they dont understand is that depression is a disease of the mind and it takes All that away. either you dont care, you cant see it, or you somehow still view all that better off without you.

an old thought

so today i was talking with an old friend and was explaining a particular person's personality.  and he hadn't heard this comment, and thought it was worth writing down...so i will.
we both know a person that is always on the defense, assume many are "against her", and Micromanages the heck out of EVERYTHING.  and what she cant micromanage, she gets rid of. (personnel included).  I explained to him that with people whose lives are currently, or in the past are filled with chaos, they grasp so tightly onto their small bubble around them and feel that if they are able to control Everything in that little bubble, than maybe the utter chaos, isn't as bad, or doesnt even exist.
  They are internally Horrifically afraid to death of losing even a little of the control in their circle. For fear of releasing that chaos....(related or not to the actual chaos) to them it is a coping skill...granted not the best one depending on how much it controls your life, but a coping skill at that.

Its not the process that is the disorder, but if and how the process controls us.

there is no good way

So it is true that there is no good way to kill yourself.
All ways will most likely end in physical suffering and will most likely involve some type of nursing home.
There is no way out!
Which of course exacerbates the pain and anxiety even more.
So how to you fight the extreme pain in your heart and mind, that is slowly emanating throughout the rest of your body, knowing that there is NO physical way out?

How do you deal with something that is not tangible. That there are No triggers, no bad memories, no significant issues that precede these feelings?
Only the pain coming from what you know...

head of thought

how did i even get here. it seemed like i was above ground doing quite well, enjoying my life, my children and enjoying complaining about my job.


Now i cant seem to sleep without excess amounts of xanax and drink. 
The dark thoughts creep in.
So i call them dark thoughts but in all honesty i think they are just truths that i am angry about.
in an email last night (which i dont even remember writing) i stated:
"f*** being concerned. it is too much wasted energy. the bastards in my head will win eventually. but not tonight. i am finding words to be a waste. english is so limited. we, our bodies are so limited. so fragile. we are a weak species. our bodies weak, our minds weak, our will...weak.   how long can one fight themselves?"

this morning i am surprised at my own disdain for humanity.   not surprised as thought it doesnt sound like me. cuz it does...ive been there before. but surprise that this came from seemingly nowhere.

i just read a quote from Nietzche that seems fitting with depression clouding back in.
"when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you."

i feel that although you are open to see the abyss, that same openess, allows the abyss in...and beings to eat at you.
sometimes i feel a human mind has limited capabilities only because the body does. and if the minds were fully open then it would destroy us.
i feel that during my depression, this is what is happening to me. i feel too much, i understand too much, i carry too much....and my poor weak body can do nothing but observe...
what pain.

Support vs Sacrifice

So amazingly my dysthymia personality is a benefit to me.   things in my emotions are becoming less light-hearted, more serious and i'm contemplating more.
about a month ago my friend found herself in a serious situation. i immediately felt bound to defend her, filled with anxiety over her situation, but torn due to the situation. With all my self-thought, i've descovered that i'm NOT judge and jury and i dont need to believe her guilt or innocence. 

Something i am able to do now that i couldnt fathom one month ago is that i love this friend, and regardless of what transpired, i will support her, listen to her and show advice and help when warranted.  That does not mean i need to dive under a bus, and it does NOT mean that i would need to cross any of my boundries to protect her.  
The situation is what it is, and i am what i am...a good friend...not a martyr.

so i'm reading hermann and dorothea....(quite enjoying)..there are a list of authors on the back.  wanting to find "The Fates of Illustrious Men" by Giovanni Boccaccio.
looked on amazon, it was listed, but not available.   want to track this down.  would like to do interlibrary loan, rather than purchase. if that, then abe books i guess.

and we have the social aspect

i was thinking about the extreme social needs of a few people i know and i came upon an interesting discussion.

i questioned..."Do I' need people...
i thought about this for a bit, and here is my conclusion.

i believe that in this body there is a biological and emotional Need to be loved and understood and to belong(or share with like kind). i feel that inherently, i do need social interactions of some sort.
But i dont understand why i would need social interaction...i mean, i dont necessarily like it, i normally cant wait to get out of it, and for the most part,  i wish that i didnt need it.  for starters) most people annoy me, 2)most others' topics are Incredibly mundane, 3)a persons appearance seems Way too important during these 'meetings', and there is all this Etiquette of what to say and not say...regardless of whether or not its true.

so to know that as a basic need this social interaction must take place, allows me to be mindful of when i am approached by someone who starts a conversation. Im usually thinking in my mind, do i smile now? oh yes, nod...ok and heres a Great chance for me to interrupt and leave.

Thoughts of distraction today

ok, so on the one hand ive been submersing in some anlysis methods today.
especially loking at voice turbulence index- a nice little ratio of the (spectral) inharmonic high-freq energy  from 1800-5800hz to the (spectral) harmonic energy from 70 to 4200hz.
and if anyone out there can tell me how (mathematically) Noise-to-Harmonic Ratio (NHR) compares/differs from standard signal-to-noise ratio. let me know.
i thought someone told me once that NHR is basically some type of inverted snr??
Also with this crazy program, i assumed (stupidly) that average and mean were the samething...alas it is not.
Ave Fo is from all the extracted momentum Fo values (the reciprocal of momentum pitch periods)
were as the Mean Fo is for all the extracted momentum pitch periods!

the numbers are almost significantly different...on average about 5-7 points different. True not that significant, however, in my perfectionist brain...YES it is.

still working on this one...

***************
also somewhere i was reading today mentioned archetypes (you know the great Jung stuff).
and it reminded me of my FAV book: Memories, Dreams and Reflections by C.G.Jung.
one of his quotes that has stuck with me is:

"The pendulum of the mind alternates between sense and nonsense, not between right and wrong."

im not even sure why today it has stuck with me. but it has.


*************
i am also curious about behavioral traits of those with higher IQ.
i found a nice blog talking about some. and i found myself agreeing with almost all of it.
part of me feels VERY "jipped" as a kid. now a day's they would have found Everything out with me when i was younger (learned different, add, depression.."other")...for better or worse, it must have been though that that would have made my life much worse...
but i want to share that blog since it is a very interesting one. http://eve3.wordpress.com/2008/07/08/characteristics-of-the-gifted/

i think its coming near

it is not lasting.
and it is not horrible.

but it is peeking out.


a slue of self-doubt
no drive to discover
mind is drifting
but mostly,
mostly
that feeling...
it is like i feel a slightly heavy, dark liquid blanket laying atop me.

disguised as a shroud,
but meant to envelop

....but i want to delay meds.
..i'm not ready to go back on them...not just yet. 

Effortful Speech

Do you ever stop to wonder exactly how complicated human speech is? the motor tasks alone could be considered quite taxing, and that's not even getting into the cognitive aspect, learning and production of sounds to create meaning...
it sometimes seems So effortful, that it would seem there should be a much simpler way of communication.
i also often feel very ...Limited...by the English language. there are often times when i want to convey something and i am limited by my language (or knowledge of).
i think thats why i talk "complicated". because i often cant express what i want to is standard words...

Representative Body

Some days i get this overpowering feeling that i just dont belong inside this body.
Not that i belong in someone elses, or that i dont like the looks of it..blah blah. 
but its as if i feel the limitations of having limbs. of needing to rely on the Many muscles inorder to take but one step.
that i feel the amount of effort that the body must produce inorder to only communication with speech.
That i KNOW who and what i am, but this body doesn't even come Close to representing it.
i feel that what people see, is not who i am. that as soon as they meet me they are being mislead.
****************

it is when i get caught up in this thought that i Truly feel that i do not belong here...
i believe with all my being that i am Supposed to be here. but that i do not naturally belong here, like others do. that the way i think, and veiw things are so misunderstood. And the things that i think odd, or unnatural would be thought of as...well, clinical!

Saturday was one of those days...

Minimalism anyone

i'm actually wondering why we need the things we do.
how did our society (U.S) become so reliant on external (needless) things?

its not just about having a place to sit in our home, but having the biggest, leather, L-sectional with reclining seats and cup holders, and....etc.
why, when nice second-hand chair will do the same? or?...what about the chair you currently have? why do you need bigger? why more?

i understand that we live in a capatalist society, and that things beget things and sales create money...etc.
but sometimes we need to sit back and say...do we REALLY need that? 
can we accomplish the same function with something else? and most importantly WHY...WHY is it i want the other one? (because its new? because its Really expensive? because it has tons of features that i wont use anyway? or because only the rich have one....

do we as americans have so little else going on in our lives that our focus is on not what we Have, but what we dont?
cuz it seems that the MINUTE we get what we've been wanting, our sites go immediately towards something else....that we dont have.

i truly believe the minimalist movement has something to add to peace of mind.
although with children...this complicates..

Why a blog

So i have decided to start this blog as i am about to journey back into the darkness of Severe depression. ok, well since i need to be honest, i believe they refer to it as psychotic depression, or aggitated depression.
i have had a reprieve of about 18 months, which has been amazing. however i know my time is soon up, and is coming back.
Each time the darkness comes back faster and harder.
Each time i reach into the depths it gets harder to fight, and harder to come back.
It was suggested that i express the things that i cant seem to talk about to anyone near me, by using a blog.

Most of the time, these thoughts dont have any purpose other than to exist. That is in part what confuses some people.
Other times, my mind gets muttled with deep thought.
and other times, it is just 100's of curiosities.

So i will post, ideas, discussions, findings...and the few answers i find about all topics.

In the Works...
coming soon will be discussion of all encompassing "Thought".
things from philosophy, mathematics, mental illness, and areas of thought that the minds drifts too that aren't widely accepted among typical modern environments