in a hole

so here i am struggling at work. trying my best to work and not find a hole to crawl into.
The anxiety and fear are at it again. i feel the need to be curled up, to be covered. to be small.
again anxiety so bad i had to double up my meds now i'm worried it took too much. then i took my adderall, which isnt that the anti gabapentin?  are they working against eachother?
i feel like thats gonna mess up my body too.
ugh. im' seriously freaking out. my mind is thinking about everything i do wrong, done wrong, will do wrong. then why bother. why not just go home curl under my covers and not get up.

i'm also working off of about 3 hours sleep. could NOT sleep last night. about 1 when got to sleep and woke up prematurely at 4:30 and i was awake enough that within a minute my anxiety kicked in. so i layed there till just before 6. Couldnt wait any longer for the 6:00 alarm.

wish i knew what was going on. why the anxiety. and i know, most of all. i just need to go back on my zyprexa for a few days. just enough to kill some of these feelings and thoughts. i can handle the physical anxiety, but not everything else that comes with it.

The day after

So i dont have the crazy anxiety i had yesterday, course im proactive and took meds today for that...just incase. The gaba i'm taking seems to take a couple hours before it really helps.
I was talking with a friend and am now thinking that that extreme fear and doom feelings may be a manifestation of one of my ego states...my 'littleone'. Its how it normally emerges, from fear and sadness. So maybe by being proactive and getting on the meds i've thwarted an encounter with the little 'state'.

obsessive worries of love and safety

So today i am very worried about my loved ones. i fear something will happen to them. i'm scared to death. anxiety was so high it was making me nauseous. Took my anxiety meds but cant seem to shake feeling.
To help my concern i txtd people i care about. i heard back from all but one. I am also very worried about my babies.  but i'm also afraid to call worrying that my call will cause one of them to be injured....
cant shake this feeling. i wont feel better until i pick up my children and am safe at home, in fact wont feel 100% until day is over and all are safe asleep.
Im not sure what else i can do. my worry is so high. even after texting. even after meds. i want to take more meds. but then i worry about driving with meds, maybe THAT's what i need to be worrying about. i want someone else to drive. to pick up kiddos. But what if THAT is what i need to be worrying about?
What if i pick them up early? and THAT's the problem, what if i pick them up late? and THAT's the problem?  Drive slower?? Drive faster????  I CANT WIN....Its all filled with Deathly possibilities!
im lost in this cyclic paradox!