Gaining Linguistic structure/vocab

so i'm regarining a little of my vocabulary after years of lost intellect due to altering psych meds.
this seems to bode well for me and my personal confidence. however, it seems a constant consternation to me at work. Those around me seemed to have thought me a .....half-wit...for lack of better word. As some of their comments to me are insulting.
the other day i was listening to a podcast on socratic method, which lets face it everyone knows about. and one person overheard this and was...his words "impressed" that i was listening to it. it seemed it was very...deep...for someone such as me i suppose (i say angry and sarcastic).

however, to give him the benefit of the doubt i have never shown my true side to him in the past. i allow him to see only what i want him to see and in the past i have only ever needed him tosee the 'student' side of me.

Also, the person who in the past saw (or i thought) saw me as intelligent, has lately been aggitated with me and almost as if he is trying to prove that he is at a ...higher level than me.
which...well, i'm no fool. he is. BUT, its like he was starting to get insecure around me.

Sorry guys but it seems that most of the males i've met in my life are like this. They seem to get Very insecure around intelligent women. That in part is why i have tried all my life to play it dumb. To push down and silence my intellect. and it's worked.
It seems more and more, no one wants to be around me when i'm smart...except work folk...when its to their benefit.

i'm sad...  :(

Finally back, i think.

so its been way too long since i last posted.
it seems ive been dealing with some mood fluxes and some interpersonal issues.

i know i need to write about all this but i cant seem to do it.

so i just saw pdoc last night and had a breakdown about my "partner" and i use that term loosely right now.

i am also really coming more to terms with my level of knowledge. i hate to say intelligence because then i feel like i'm bragging or being 'bigger' than i am. i dont like that. and i hate it when my pdoc acknowledges that. as he did several times last night.

i am going to dive back into the world of quantum physics.
this summer i have been reading Nietchze, Kant, Descarte and Hume. and that was good but i need to get back to more science and slightly less metaphysical...note i say slightly less.

****************************
if anyone has suggestions on good books, let me know.
i know all the basics. copenhagen, bohr, schroedinger, etc. but just feel like reading a little more.

being swallowed.

i most often feel like the third pic, but soon therafter feel like the fourth. i dont think i ever feel like the first.
(thanks to xkcd)
the next one almost made me cry....
how i feel on many days as well, though not as many.

better to see this one close up.
http://xkcd.com/98/

dont talk

so this is when i'm supposed to really be blogging most. when i'm sliding down. when i have super high anxiety. yet its when i want to post the least.
part of me wants to tell everyone in the world that i need help. someone help me i know i'm headed down. i dont want it to get to bad. wait, how bad is bad. maybe i should wait to tell anyone until its bad. but whats bad. when i cant focus at work. when i cant go to work. when i start having suicidal ideation, when i have a plan?

see i just dont know my boundries and i feel like i'm a constant burden to my pdoc. i dont think he feels that way...but i do for sure.
i feel sometimes i,m not even worth saving.

Faking it

So normally i'm an expert at faking my emotions around other people. its now getting harder. thats when i know i'm on a down slide.
But i wanted to write this so for anyone out there that needs to be able to 'fake it' around their co-workers or at a family gathering (yikes) then here are some tips for you.
1.Avoid people cautiously. if you avoid them too much they are definitely going to ask you if you are ok. Avoid that at all cost.
2.as for putting on a smile. you dont need to do it all day long. just adjust your tone in your voice. slightly higher pitched when you greet them or say hi. that will make you 'sound' happy and interested.
3. for the most part people dont tend to stick around and talk long. they say there how are yous and go on from there. its pretty easy to fake it for a minute or so.
4. Cut it short. if they catch you in the hallway, let them say their hellos but have one foot facing the other direction so they know you are on your way. tell them you gotta quick run but will catch up with them later. (you wont really have too)
5. AND this one is KEY. if you have someone that keeps engaging you in conversation, turn the conversation around. ask them how THEY are, how are their kids, how is their job/project/social function. This way They are responsible for conversation and you dont have to smile...just look interested and nod. People are inheretly ego-centric and will Gladly take on as leader of conversation.  Then after a few minutes tell them you are happy for them but you gotta run.
After a session like this you may want to go to the restroom or some quiet room as you will need a little down time. that can be pretty exhausting to someone who is struggling with your low level mood. But it is worth it, so the rumor mill wont start and you wont have 100 people coming to you asking you if everything is ok. THAT question is more difficult to answer over and over again.
6. At work you if you can engage in independent projects that wont require acknowledging others around you. you will look very focused and like a hard worker. that will be a bonus.

i know there are a few others but i cant think of them right now. And remember, it does help if you have one person at your place of work that you can confide in, hang around them and the appearance of being social will be there.

Some Thinking for today

its one of those days where i'm left alone with my thoughts. This is normally not a very good thing. I tend to have a lot of existential thoughts. ask myself philisophical questions with no one to answer or discuss them with me. just for starters i am a very spiritual person by nature, and love my religion. but it seems the closer i allow myself to become to it, the more spiritual i am the more detached from humanity and sometimes THIS reality i become. i cant seem to find a balance. it makes my heart ache.
Also, It concerns but confuses me more why we as humans have such an assaultive side to our personalities. some detrimentally mean. Is it all based on fear? and why do insecure people not ask the questions they need to to find out the answers? Why do they insist on pretending they know? And why do some go through school to gain a degree that 'proves' their intelligence, then never infact use said intelligence but infact become more ingrossed in the things they already know? School does not seem to create independent thinkers. Instead that is an innate characteristic that can deter many from further education. And that said education helps them those to conform to the community around them. Is that really what we want our educated community to view? conformed speakers with conformed ideas? working on 'approved' concepts?  its seems with the research community and all the hoops, that some of the best ideas are not funded for that exact reason...
which moves socially accepted (but not great) ideas ahead of potentially 'changing' ideas.

So let me ask anyone that is reading this today.
What is the cost of one man's life?

in a hole

so here i am struggling at work. trying my best to work and not find a hole to crawl into.
The anxiety and fear are at it again. i feel the need to be curled up, to be covered. to be small.
again anxiety so bad i had to double up my meds now i'm worried it took too much. then i took my adderall, which isnt that the anti gabapentin?  are they working against eachother?
i feel like thats gonna mess up my body too.
ugh. im' seriously freaking out. my mind is thinking about everything i do wrong, done wrong, will do wrong. then why bother. why not just go home curl under my covers and not get up.

i'm also working off of about 3 hours sleep. could NOT sleep last night. about 1 when got to sleep and woke up prematurely at 4:30 and i was awake enough that within a minute my anxiety kicked in. so i layed there till just before 6. Couldnt wait any longer for the 6:00 alarm.

wish i knew what was going on. why the anxiety. and i know, most of all. i just need to go back on my zyprexa for a few days. just enough to kill some of these feelings and thoughts. i can handle the physical anxiety, but not everything else that comes with it.

The day after

So i dont have the crazy anxiety i had yesterday, course im proactive and took meds today for that...just incase. The gaba i'm taking seems to take a couple hours before it really helps.
I was talking with a friend and am now thinking that that extreme fear and doom feelings may be a manifestation of one of my ego states...my 'littleone'. Its how it normally emerges, from fear and sadness. So maybe by being proactive and getting on the meds i've thwarted an encounter with the little 'state'.

obsessive worries of love and safety

So today i am very worried about my loved ones. i fear something will happen to them. i'm scared to death. anxiety was so high it was making me nauseous. Took my anxiety meds but cant seem to shake feeling.
To help my concern i txtd people i care about. i heard back from all but one. I am also very worried about my babies.  but i'm also afraid to call worrying that my call will cause one of them to be injured....
cant shake this feeling. i wont feel better until i pick up my children and am safe at home, in fact wont feel 100% until day is over and all are safe asleep.
Im not sure what else i can do. my worry is so high. even after texting. even after meds. i want to take more meds. but then i worry about driving with meds, maybe THAT's what i need to be worrying about. i want someone else to drive. to pick up kiddos. But what if THAT is what i need to be worrying about?
What if i pick them up early? and THAT's the problem, what if i pick them up late? and THAT's the problem?  Drive slower?? Drive faster????  I CANT WIN....Its all filled with Deathly possibilities!
im lost in this cyclic paradox!

flashbacks and therapy

so its taken me 7 years but i've finally figured out i will Always have flashbacks. i guess going through therapy i thought when i had one if i hurried to therapist, and described in detail my flashback and related incident that it would be gone...forever. i was wrong. i'm finally realizing that not only will i Always have flashbacks, that i may have periodic new ones as well. My goal should be learning how to deal with these in my life. My pdoc is a great resource for me on that. He described once how he had a major flashback right before our appt. (as i was coming in the door) but he had to put it aside to help me. This i guess is a hands on experience for me to realize that it CAN be done. That i dont NEED to explain or rehash in detail that flashback inorder for it to go away. That i need to figure out how to push through the ones that i get.   i feel a part of me has asked this for a few years but either i got the answer and couldn't understand or deal with it at the time and needed to talk about them or i just wasn't getting the right answer for me to 'get-it'.
 I admire my pdoc greatly. mostly cuz he's very intelligent, but hes got a great personality that fits my needs very well. and since he works with people with PTSD i feel he will be a great resource for me on this.

in Court

so i went to court today to be a witness for a great friend who is going through a tough divorce. it made me very nervous, because of my own issues. i was afraid i was going to be really questioned about my past, about abuse, about medications, about something that would just trigger me to no end and then i would fail my friend.
it was NOTHING like that. it lasted maybe 5 minutes that i was on the stand. the lawyer asking specific questions. i answered. was not asked ANY questions by other attorney.

Im still a little emotionally shook up inside. because it did bring up old stuff. but i know it'll be ok.
AND i did stay for the whole thing. i loved that i could be there for this friend who has always helped me out through all my hospital stays and emotional turmoil. and listening to the other side, assured me that i did the right thing in helping my friend get much more visitation rights to his little daughter.

Hating intelligence

So i'm in quite a vulnerable mood right now. it revolves around my intelligence. i have always lived mostly in my head because my words never related to the people i was around. it seems that after therapy and recognizing that i am in fact very smart/intellectual. that since therapy i am trying to 'own it'. and am REALLY struggling. my surroundings are not that of an intellectual environment. except my work. but today i was curious about a concept and was shut down at every path to understand it more. some didnt know the answer. others i believe were upset that they didnt or couldnt explain it to me. and others i think were upset that 'someone like me' thought of it first. so i was again and again 'put in my place' as a keyboard monkey and nothing else.

it has triggered me to a severe state.
i am now thinking overall in my life why i HATE being smart.
i have to explain everything, when i talk. including the words that i use.
i dont use different words in my speech to sound smart, it just FITS better than other words. and then i worry that i hurt others feelings if i do talk in more specific speech. using unfamiliar words.
i HATE having to dumb things down. but ive learned over the years how to do it. unfortunately i even fumble with that, but to my advantage cuz then i sound even more stupid!
-having concepts that i cant share with anyone (who would understand)
-having ideas that i cant carry out because i am limited at work to my 'position'.
the only thing i have found that really helps me is alcohol. and now im having thoughts of using drugs (illegal or legal) to dull my thoughts, stop my curiosity, and dumb down my speech.

I hate not being able to relate to the ones i love.
i hate being so isolated.
i HATE how people that i sometimes dumb down for look at me when they hear me talk normally (for me).

thanks to therapy (sarcasm) my intelligence has crawled to the outside.

i MISS my hidden sagacity....

Feeling the Butterfly

So i did it. i took too much medication. Not a lot. Not to harm me. But to feel the ease of simplicity. The numbness that it brings makes me feel like i'm flying.
I feel the flutter of butterfly wings on my cheeks. The breeze of cool air dusting my smile. Head back and look at the clouds, look at them like a child.
Everything is soft now. The words slow down. My mind slows and it no longer tries to erupt with information every second of every day. Of now.
i have four hours to enjoy the peace in my head.

Drugs

i feel like overdosing today. Not enough for death mind you.  crazy thing is i dont know why. i have these urges to overtake my prescribed medication. and it is not driven by the meds themselves.
i want to skate on the boundries between here and shadowland (what i believe is just before death). do you call it stoned if you dont mind side effects from your rx'd meds? is it bad to welcome that drape of numbness i feel from my meds?

sometimes i am amazed at the depth of torture we as people endure, not from others but from ourselves.
the 'trickery' of things we tell ourselves. Of what we wrongly assume to know. That only by age and experience do we finally learn we are wrong. we are all wrong. we were all wrong.
in youth we have strength and courage, in age we have weakness and wisdom.

what if we are tired of knowing how wrong we all are, and medications help us to dumb down. to see things once again as simple. black and white instead of the vast greyness things truly are...

why fridays?

Why is it on friday's i feel the most mentally active. I feel spot on regarding complex information. Then as soon as i am really going its time for the weekend. which at times are hard for me emotionally.

i'm ready for the day. have coffee. took AD, took Adderall. ready to roll.

So many feelings

last night i felt the dark cloak of depression sinking in again.
this morning was a bit better. but still not great. i just took more medication.
I was txting a friend and mentioned this whirlpool of emotions and just dont know how to deal with them all. i just want to curl up tight on the floor in a closet.
Felt, tired, sad, scared, strong, empowered, scared, in love, suicidal, did i mention scared.

dont know where to go with all these.
i also this afternoon as depression got lower, started having flashbacks. sometimes i wonder whats worse, having the flashback of abuse, or knowing you can have a flashback at anytime. that they will never....Never go away.

wafting into darkness

so i'm feeling a bit like a feather how it wafts left to right as it lowers down.
only the left and right are feeling well, and feeling depressive.

this day is mindfully confusing.
i have big concerns about a dear friend. but am afraid to approach her about it. i want to help but maybe i will make things worse for her by talking about it.
its lowering me. or maybe its the weather.
i'm needing sunlight and there dont seem to be enough of those days as of late.
i need to sit out in the sun and feel the warmth on my head.

ok, so now i'm feeling a bit like a hypochondriac, but i'm worried that i'm going to get sometype of cancer. im reaching close to 40 and my bodies wareing down. eyesight is worsening, (although that could just be one of the meds im on (lovely gabapentin). my hearing is missing some frequencies. and my mood is wafting.
thought i was starting to kick in with AD, but then i notice a slight downward drift of mood.

part of me wants to get low enough that i can just add on another AD to the mix, cuz i'm afraid that where i'm at now, if i add another AD that it would boost me too high. but i'm afraid if i DO go lower than that extra AD regardless of what it is wont be enough...
ug.

feeling flight alone

ok, so ending therapy is hitting me today.
had a flashback this morning and i cant seem to shake it. on one side is my pdoc telling me 'you need to just push through them, you cant let them overtake you'. on the other is my T that says i need to talk through them.
so here i am. dont see T for two more weeks. as i'm in the process of ending therapy and only seeing her once a month.  i'm also feeling a little weird today. like i'm not quite...'here'.  this non-reality type feeling.
could it be my adderall?  i took it around 8. and i didnt really notice much difference today.

Deciphering

so my nails are so soft i'm losing them. they break off so easily. now my pdoc put me on vitamins, he's concerned it may effect my bones. nice.
i'm back down to 5mg zyprexa cuz of the weight gain.

and i need to determine if this doenst work. do i drop the pristiq and wait then add TCA? i'm running out of options. Now my back pain is pretty bad. injured it so took tylenol3 on top of gabapentin. helped me sleep like a dream. but this morning my eyes are a little out of wack. weird ghosting effect. and feel kinda loopy.

found new song by my chemical romance. Love it. i need to get some cash so i can buy it. "Sing".

Dead Can Dance

So have had several downs since last posted, ran across some great quotes and other great reading material. Did i remember to be active in my journaling and write all this down in my blog.... No.
So here i am barely remembering and adding new.
i have been going to the library after work for 20min or so. and reading the 'writing' magazine. Trying to get some good tips to help me introduce my characters and such. getting some great information. i'm just worried that cuz of some of these meds. i'm not going to remember crap.  i actually wrote a page and a half yesterday. i was pretty impressed with myself. The problem is, i have to do it in the morning or after work otherwise i am too freaking exhausted at night. After kiddos go down, i'm ready to lay my own head down. in fact i've been getting to bed earlier and earlier. say around 9:00 and i'm STILL wiped in the morning. Today i didnt get up until 10 til 7. which is normally when i leave. luckily with God on my side, somehow i was only 5 min late!
anyway. i wish i had more time to write. i really enjoy it. it is a great way to get some of my pent up emotions out. part of me really wishes i could stay home two days a week and just write. Maybe if i can sell a couple books then maybe that will be a possibility. Problem is, ive heard you really dont make that much money off childrens books. i'm sure that's true. But i tell you, of some of the crap stories i've read in the library for my little ones, i'm pretty sure i can get mine published. Boy there are some stinkers out there.
Problem is, i planned on mine being a simple 10-12 page picture book. I've already got 19 full pages written and my protagonist is barely half way through her journey.

anyway. aside from that my meds are working. but the zyprexa IS not letting me exercise, and im Craving sweets. i dont like that. i took my last 10mg last night i think i'm going to go back down to 5mg and maybe augment with TCA if needed.
i dont even know if i should stay on the pristiq, it doesnt seem to be working this time around... and my nails are SO soft. they break at any chance. tried fake nails to let them grow out. it worked but i think they are hard on them. The first time around it didnt work much but this time it seemed to really let them grow out at least even and a few past the skin. not sure if pristiq or not.

Oh and before i forget. i watched "Legend of the Guardians: the owls of Ga'Hoole" and it was FANTASTIC. there is one scene where he's flying in the storm and the music i Swear sounded like Elizabeth Fraser but it turns out its a song from Dead Can Dance. so i'm gonna be checking out their music today.

aid vs addiction

so how does one know/decipher if one is using prescribed medication to aid in needs (with altering Rx amount) or addicted due to that issue.  i guess my main issue is flashbacks. i dont know how to control them or end them and they are painful. so i dose up on my xanax. which is a benzo and everyone says they are addicting anyway. but the thing is, if i didnt/dont have any flashbacks or horrifying memories then i dont need the meds??
so is it really a problem of addiction? and how would one solve this TYPE of addiction. my body doesn't crave the medicine, my mind wants to be numb and thats what large amounts of the xanax does.
well, ill do some searching on web and see what i can come up with.

blogging and journaling

so the bad thing about blogging is that i dont have network access at home in the evenings so i cant blog when i need it most. so i've started to journal again.
been having horrible flashbacks. saw T yesterday and she did a process that i think helped. i still kinda see the visual but its blurry now, not as REAL. and i can make it stop or go away. also, i m having problems with my meds again. on my end. i'm taking too many when those flashbacks come on. i just want to slip away. and one of these days if i dont watch myself, i will.
  i need something faster acting like the gabapentin but a bit stronger. my  T's been trying to get ahold of pdoc to get me in and FINALLY this morning she got a response that he said yes hed get me in. i hate that she had to bug him about that, but i need refill at the very least. but i would prefer something else, because i think the xanax is also hitting on some addiction nerve cuz when i take one i want to take more. and have to fight THAT urge on top of everything else.
anyway. doing well this morning. ate breakfast even. and i need to journal a bit.

Still Flashback

ok, so about an hour ago i took 1mg xanax. and it seemed to help a little with anxiety, but visuals are still here. I WANT THEM TO GO AWAY.
and now i'm getting paranoid that i wont be able to see t tomorrow (that she'll cancel). i called pdoc and he's booked up tomorrow.
i need help.i need it sooner rather than later.

this is making me want to take more than i should with medication.
but instead of more xanax (which would make me want to sleep) i took a gabapentin just now.
some one please helpme....i just want the memory to resolve itself.

Flashbacks

so i've been getting some rough flashbacks for about 5 days now and cant seem to shake them. i would love some ideas. i have temp things that work, ice for dissociation, crafts to focus attention away, writing to focus attention on it hoping it will help it lessen, even try loud music. they still keep coming back. my guess is just to talkn about it. cant get ahold of my T, i do see her tomorrow (maybe depending on weather). and thinking aobut making appt with pdoc friday just incase tomorrow falls through.just called, cant get in till next week....when i have appt anyway. fk.

The flashbacks in my mind take over like a vivid daydream, i see bits and pieces of abuse, but mostly i feel the emotion of extreme fear and sadness. There is some physical sensation but not much.
how does one end the pictures, end the emotion.

same song all day

so i have been listening to the same song...back to back for the last 7 hours....and i'm still not tired of it. its like i need more of it. one of those songs with lots of harmonics. and it seems like one of the singers has diplophonia. i know when they mix songs they do that sometimes, but im not sure if thats his real voice or if its fixed to do that. i Love it.
i want to mention the song because later (month or so) after i phase out the song i want to return to it and see if it infact the song was just good, or if it is consoling acoustically some part of my mind that needs reigning in or taming. the song is "what's my name" by Rhianna ft.Drake

mostly better at staying present today than yesterday. and i dont know WHAT happened yesterday that i started to dissociate so badly. i really struggled last night. i can only think that i was just really tired. i went to bed before 9:00.
and the last THREE nights i have slept AWESOME. not only Great sleep, but dreams too. so i KNOW i was really getting GOOD sleep. and good/normal dreams, no nightmares, no hypnogogic or hypnopompic crap! just normally, weird dreams! :)
i am really feeling rested in the mornings. this morning, i didnt even NEED coffee. and i forgot my pristiq (which adds energy for the day).

i dont see therapist till next tuesday. see pdoc tonight.

Topic for the day....Balance

so i'm contemplating life and universe already and its not even 8:30 am.
but i think i'm discovering (after my time in partial hospital) that advancing my career is just not in my cards. that i need to focus on family and pleasurable activities.  things such as painting, photography and writing.
it seems that it is these skills/enjoyment that will bring balance to my life.

ok, so balance of life/heart/mind/body is the topic for the day.
i'll write more later, but for now. what triggered this thinking is last nights movie...inception. there was a token that main character had. a top that spun and spun. and i've been thinking about that.  about balance. and the night before i watched "eat, pray love" and that too talked about balance in life.

hmmm maybe showing me something.

feeling jung

was in the mood for a good read. so went to my old stand by carl jung.
got the book undiscovered self. about half way through.

am realizing that the past two months  have been a tremendous struggle for me. i dont remember much of november. as i was either dissociative or drunk, or just to depressed to be 'fully in reality'.  it seems that my dissociation may be a little worse this go around.
had several bouts, sometimes day long fights with dissociation.  
wanted to try out my new blog diary writings that i am fully encouraged to write down.
so i found two very interesting pieces of information about dissociation. and both FIT me to a T.  the dx of DDnos is just so fitting for me.  here's the info.

Q:  What Are the Symptoms of a Dissociative Disorder?
People with Dissociative Disorders may experience any of the following: depression, mood swings, suicidal thoughts or attempts, sleep disorders (insomnia, night terrors, and sleep walking), panic attacks and phobias (flashbacks, reactions to reminders of the trauma), alcohol and drug abuse, compulsions and rituals, psychotic-like symptoms, and eating disorders. In addition, individuals can experience headaches, amnesias, time loss, trances, and "out-of-body experiences." Some people with Dissociative Disorders have a tendency toward self-persecution, self-sabotage, and even violence (both self-inflicted and outwardly directed).

Q: What Are Some Common Misdiagnoses?
Common misdiagnoses include attention deficit disorder (especially among children), because of difficulties in concentration and memory; bipolar disorder, because “switching” can look like rapid-cycling mood swings; schizophrenia or psychoses, because flashbacks can cause auditory and visual hallucinations; and addictions, because alcohol and drugs are frequently used to self medicate or to numb the psychic pain.