so how does one know/decipher if one is using prescribed medication to aid in needs (with altering Rx amount) or addicted due to that issue. i guess my main issue is flashbacks. i dont know how to control them or end them and they are painful. so i dose up on my xanax. which is a benzo and everyone says they are addicting anyway. but the thing is, if i didnt/dont have any flashbacks or horrifying memories then i dont need the meds??
so is it really a problem of addiction? and how would one solve this TYPE of addiction. my body doesn't crave the medicine, my mind wants to be numb and thats what large amounts of the xanax does.
well, ill do some searching on web and see what i can come up with.
Friday, January 21, 2011
blogging and journaling
so the bad thing about blogging is that i dont have network access at home in the evenings so i cant blog when i need it most. so i've started to journal again.
been having horrible flashbacks. saw T yesterday and she did a process that i think helped. i still kinda see the visual but its blurry now, not as REAL. and i can make it stop or go away. also, i m having problems with my meds again. on my end. i'm taking too many when those flashbacks come on. i just want to slip away. and one of these days if i dont watch myself, i will.
i need something faster acting like the gabapentin but a bit stronger. my T's been trying to get ahold of pdoc to get me in and FINALLY this morning she got a response that he said yes hed get me in. i hate that she had to bug him about that, but i need refill at the very least. but i would prefer something else, because i think the xanax is also hitting on some addiction nerve cuz when i take one i want to take more. and have to fight THAT urge on top of everything else.
anyway. doing well this morning. ate breakfast even. and i need to journal a bit.
been having horrible flashbacks. saw T yesterday and she did a process that i think helped. i still kinda see the visual but its blurry now, not as REAL. and i can make it stop or go away. also, i m having problems with my meds again. on my end. i'm taking too many when those flashbacks come on. i just want to slip away. and one of these days if i dont watch myself, i will.
i need something faster acting like the gabapentin but a bit stronger. my T's been trying to get ahold of pdoc to get me in and FINALLY this morning she got a response that he said yes hed get me in. i hate that she had to bug him about that, but i need refill at the very least. but i would prefer something else, because i think the xanax is also hitting on some addiction nerve cuz when i take one i want to take more. and have to fight THAT urge on top of everything else.
anyway. doing well this morning. ate breakfast even. and i need to journal a bit.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Still Flashback
ok, so about an hour ago i took 1mg xanax. and it seemed to help a little with anxiety, but visuals are still here. I WANT THEM TO GO AWAY.
and now i'm getting paranoid that i wont be able to see t tomorrow (that she'll cancel). i called pdoc and he's booked up tomorrow.
i need help.i need it sooner rather than later.
this is making me want to take more than i should with medication.
but instead of more xanax (which would make me want to sleep) i took a gabapentin just now.
some one please helpme....i just want the memory to resolve itself.
and now i'm getting paranoid that i wont be able to see t tomorrow (that she'll cancel). i called pdoc and he's booked up tomorrow.
i need help.i need it sooner rather than later.
this is making me want to take more than i should with medication.
but instead of more xanax (which would make me want to sleep) i took a gabapentin just now.
some one please helpme....i just want the memory to resolve itself.
Flashbacks
so i've been getting some rough flashbacks for about 5 days now and cant seem to shake them. i would love some ideas. i have temp things that work, ice for dissociation, crafts to focus attention away, writing to focus attention on it hoping it will help it lessen, even try loud music. they still keep coming back. my guess is just to talkn about it. cant get ahold of my T, i do see her tomorrow (maybe depending on weather). and thinking aobut making appt with pdoc friday just incase tomorrow falls through.just called, cant get in till next week....when i have appt anyway. fk.
The flashbacks in my mind take over like a vivid daydream, i see bits and pieces of abuse, but mostly i feel the emotion of extreme fear and sadness. There is some physical sensation but not much.
how does one end the pictures, end the emotion.
The flashbacks in my mind take over like a vivid daydream, i see bits and pieces of abuse, but mostly i feel the emotion of extreme fear and sadness. There is some physical sensation but not much.
how does one end the pictures, end the emotion.
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