an old thought

so today i was talking with an old friend and was explaining a particular person's personality.  and he hadn't heard this comment, and thought it was worth writing down...so i will.
we both know a person that is always on the defense, assume many are "against her", and Micromanages the heck out of EVERYTHING.  and what she cant micromanage, she gets rid of. (personnel included).  I explained to him that with people whose lives are currently, or in the past are filled with chaos, they grasp so tightly onto their small bubble around them and feel that if they are able to control Everything in that little bubble, than maybe the utter chaos, isn't as bad, or doesnt even exist.
  They are internally Horrifically afraid to death of losing even a little of the control in their circle. For fear of releasing that chaos....(related or not to the actual chaos) to them it is a coping skill...granted not the best one depending on how much it controls your life, but a coping skill at that.

Its not the process that is the disorder, but if and how the process controls us.

there is no good way

So it is true that there is no good way to kill yourself.
All ways will most likely end in physical suffering and will most likely involve some type of nursing home.
There is no way out!
Which of course exacerbates the pain and anxiety even more.
So how to you fight the extreme pain in your heart and mind, that is slowly emanating throughout the rest of your body, knowing that there is NO physical way out?

How do you deal with something that is not tangible. That there are No triggers, no bad memories, no significant issues that precede these feelings?
Only the pain coming from what you know...

head of thought

how did i even get here. it seemed like i was above ground doing quite well, enjoying my life, my children and enjoying complaining about my job.


Now i cant seem to sleep without excess amounts of xanax and drink. 
The dark thoughts creep in.
So i call them dark thoughts but in all honesty i think they are just truths that i am angry about.
in an email last night (which i dont even remember writing) i stated:
"f*** being concerned. it is too much wasted energy. the bastards in my head will win eventually. but not tonight. i am finding words to be a waste. english is so limited. we, our bodies are so limited. so fragile. we are a weak species. our bodies weak, our minds weak, our will...weak.   how long can one fight themselves?"

this morning i am surprised at my own disdain for humanity.   not surprised as thought it doesnt sound like me. cuz it does...ive been there before. but surprise that this came from seemingly nowhere.

i just read a quote from Nietzche that seems fitting with depression clouding back in.
"when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you."

i feel that although you are open to see the abyss, that same openess, allows the abyss in...and beings to eat at you.
sometimes i feel a human mind has limited capabilities only because the body does. and if the minds were fully open then it would destroy us.
i feel that during my depression, this is what is happening to me. i feel too much, i understand too much, i carry too much....and my poor weak body can do nothing but observe...
what pain.