head of thought

how did i even get here. it seemed like i was above ground doing quite well, enjoying my life, my children and enjoying complaining about my job.


Now i cant seem to sleep without excess amounts of xanax and drink. 
The dark thoughts creep in.
So i call them dark thoughts but in all honesty i think they are just truths that i am angry about.
in an email last night (which i dont even remember writing) i stated:
"f*** being concerned. it is too much wasted energy. the bastards in my head will win eventually. but not tonight. i am finding words to be a waste. english is so limited. we, our bodies are so limited. so fragile. we are a weak species. our bodies weak, our minds weak, our will...weak.   how long can one fight themselves?"

this morning i am surprised at my own disdain for humanity.   not surprised as thought it doesnt sound like me. cuz it does...ive been there before. but surprise that this came from seemingly nowhere.

i just read a quote from Nietzche that seems fitting with depression clouding back in.
"when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you."

i feel that although you are open to see the abyss, that same openess, allows the abyss in...and beings to eat at you.
sometimes i feel a human mind has limited capabilities only because the body does. and if the minds were fully open then it would destroy us.
i feel that during my depression, this is what is happening to me. i feel too much, i understand too much, i carry too much....and my poor weak body can do nothing but observe...
what pain.