So i'm in quite a vulnerable mood right now. it revolves around my intelligence. i have always lived mostly in my head because my words never related to the people i was around. it seems that after therapy and recognizing that i am in fact very smart/intellectual. that since therapy i am trying to 'own it'. and am REALLY struggling. my surroundings are not that of an intellectual environment. except my work. but today i was curious about a concept and was shut down at every path to understand it more. some didnt know the answer. others i believe were upset that they didnt or couldnt explain it to me. and others i think were upset that 'someone like me' thought of it first. so i was again and again 'put in my place' as a keyboard monkey and nothing else.
it has triggered me to a severe state.
i am now thinking overall in my life why i HATE being smart.
i have to explain everything, when i talk. including the words that i use.
i dont use different words in my speech to sound smart, it just FITS better than other words. and then i worry that i hurt others feelings if i do talk in more specific speech. using unfamiliar words.
i HATE having to dumb things down. but ive learned over the years how to do it. unfortunately i even fumble with that, but to my advantage cuz then i sound even more stupid!
-having concepts that i cant share with anyone (who would understand)
-having ideas that i cant carry out because i am limited at work to my 'position'.
the only thing i have found that really helps me is alcohol. and now im having thoughts of using drugs (illegal or legal) to dull my thoughts, stop my curiosity, and dumb down my speech.
I hate not being able to relate to the ones i love.
i hate being so isolated.
i HATE how people that i sometimes dumb down for look at me when they hear me talk normally (for me).
thanks to therapy (sarcasm) my intelligence has crawled to the outside.
i MISS my hidden sagacity....
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